i remember.

i remember Christmas morning 2005

waiting for my parents on the top of the stairs as they ritually searched for the dinosaur video camera to film our reaction

i remember wanting to grow up

i remember my first pair of chuck Taylor's

i remember when I fell in the love with a paint set and a blank canvas

i remember the bonfires

i remember going down to the creek in our red rain boots

i remember memorizing how to spell Mississippi

i remember crossing my fingers on both hands at orientation that he would be in my second grade class

i remember always wanting to grow up

i remember my white first generation iPod shuffle 

i remember my obsession for uncle Jesse on full house

i remember fresh rain and the endless streets of Boston

i remember the boardwalks and the full moons and the blue cotton candy

i remember a world where technology didn't take over

i remember wanting to grow up

i remember when i wasn't grown up

when i didn't come home to college housing options on the desktop of my moms computer

when there was huge gap in between my two from teeth

when i didn't understand what it felt like to be broken

i remember

where your heart is.

where your heart is.

"if you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders."
but i hate that
because hearts are unreasonable. illogical. hopeful. unrealistic.
they long for the taste their lips allowed.
the way your horizons met.
the way their heart aimlessly beats on the radio.

but that taste was lost months ago.
and your horizons will never fuse again.
and your radio blew out last week.

hearts.
they leave the door unlocked.
they leave the lights on.

love, it's killing me.
damn you, heart. why did my first grade teacher tell me you kept me alive.

one of the most courageous decisions i'll ever make is to finally let go of what's hurting my heart,
but i'm not brave enough to say goodbye, cause i don't want a new hello.

mother nature.

dear mother nature:

thanks for the cheesy cotton candy sunset after i lost my best friend on my drive home. it helped a little. thanks for making emerald green horse pastures that i believed rolled on forever as i grew up  in that little white farmhouse made of your wood. the honeysuckle on featherbed lane, its scent is still with me. thank you. thanks for flurrying on my street corner for my corny first kiss. i'll never forget how the snowflakes covered his eyelashes under the street lamp. thank you for your lightning. we watched it four hours on the porch and it sparked the best heart to heart of all time. thanks for the view of they valley from my room, the city lights that shine in my dark moments. actually, screw "mother nature" thank you God. thank you God for pouring rain on the nights my sleepless nights. i know you're crying with me. THANK YOU GOD.

single best invention of life.

  

the tragedy of life

is not that we die

but what we let die inside of us

when we are alive

be ashamed to die

until you've won

some victory

for humanity

the trouble is

you think you have time

"If a man has not discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

make space for dreams.

losing your freedom
the unknown
pain
disappointment
misery
loneliness
ridicule
rejection
death
FAILURE

 the mind fills with fears and leaves no space for dreams

make space for dreams

be a mermaid

have no fear of depths

and a great fear of shallow living

aim to be fearless

to be resilient

to be yourself

fear is only temporary.
regret lasts forever.
take the risk
or lose the chance.

 

the problem?

writers block.  writers block, in my mind, comes from not our inability to dig deep, but our fear of digging so deep.  we sit behind a white glowing screen longing for a topic, an inspiration, a paragraph to appear on the screen before the clock strikes twelve.  but in reality, it is so easy.  it is so simple.  we are 17 years old with endless opinions and moments and thoughts that are bursting and begging to be shared.  the problem?  these things have such an emotional charge for us, we avoid thinking about them.  we avoid being alone or driving into the canyon without our homies, or going through the camera rolls on our old pre break-up iPhone 4's because it sucks.  it sucks coming to a realization of the things that would make our writing gold.

 

français.

 

J'ai une grande passion pour la langue française. Prenant pour quatre ans de ma vie a été une opportunité incroyable. Je ne savais pas, en tant que jeune de douze ans, ce serait un énorme défi. Parce que j'ai un amour pour l'art de mourir, j'ai été intrigué par la beauté de la chose. Mon préféré était professeur de français Monsieur Fameni. Il était en provenance du Cameroun, et m'a appris à être presque couramment la langue qui signifiait tant pour lui. Nos tests de langue incluraient préparation sans fin et voix tremblantes comme on nous a donné une image pour parler de nombreuses minutes, ce qui semblait être des heures. Je n'oublierai jamais la première fois que je rêvais en français. Mes professeurs nous ont toujours dit que lorsque nous savions que notre connaissance de la langue était grande. Ayant la capacité de communiquer dans une langue seconde est extrêmement gratifiant. J'ai adoré phrases qui ne pouvaient être traduits en apprentissage de l'anglais, car la langue anglaise n'a pas un mot pour cela. C'était extraordinaire. Mon préféré expression française est "tu me manques" Il signifie "vous êtes absent de moi" En français, vous ne dites pas "tu me manques", vous dites littéralement vous êtes absent de moi. J'adore ça.

this is a high school anthem.

high school anthem:

 

don't chase people.

be an example.

attract them.

work hard

and be yourself.

the people

who belong

in your life

will come

and find you

and stay.

just do your thing.

neverland.

I often miss a little girl whose dreams had no barriers.
who believed in a world of possibilities. 
with a heart that was full and unbroken.

a little girl who restarted her video game whenever she knew she was going to lose.
there's no restart button anymore.

her only fake friends were her invisible ones.
she's growing older, and her heroes are becoming more and more human right in front of her.

she wasted her childhood on wishing she was a grown up.
now that little girl understands why peter pan never wanted to grow up.
take her to neverland.
this place sucks.

homesick for heaven.

 

homesick for heaven

 

fireflies caught in a mason jar

honeysuckle lining featherbed lane

crisp, crimson raspberries mistaken as candy

the stubborn Shetland pony in the pasture

barefoot walks to the creek aimlessly avoiding poison ivy

climbing competitions on the hay bales to be crowned king

quarter horses roaming the lush land my grandpa named heaven

the sunlight creeping into the cracks of that 100 year old barn

rides through the never ending golden fields

dewy Sunday mornings full of grace and full of Jesus

the smell of a new western saddle in the tack room

watching the sunset disappear from that rickety porch

concreta.

facts and descriptions

tangible objects

Jean Piaget

common, proper

countable, collective

to be seen or known

vital to making sense of dialectics

sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch

the combination of many abstractions’

things that can be sensed

the red bricks that built your grade school

or the white-washed ones that rebuilt the church that burned down

concrete objects...concreta...

 

you can't collect a pound of responsibility

or a liter of moral outrage

 

I personally prefer (alliteration) concrete.  abstract concepts like love change meaning with time and circumstances. there's no security.  concrete objects pretty much have the same meaning to you now as they did when you were four: stars. water. music. bricks. they stay pretty much the same. and I think we all like a little sense of security. an exactness.  or at least I do.  concreta.

 

 

 

 

favorite hello, hardest goodbye.

love is having someone that slowly but surely makes you become more and more of you the "you" you've always dreamed of being.

It is seeing all of their magic and reminding them of it when they have forgotten.

It may not be your first kiss, first love, first dance, or first date-but your last everything.

It's who made you smile again.

It's your best friend. The one that makes you laugh that embarassing, earnest, healing kind of laugh.

Its a million tiny things they subconsciously do.

Its a craving so deep the ocean would be jealous.

Its mad, passionate, extraordinary

Its smiling for no reason.

Its falling before you realize you are.

Its like Dr. Seuss said, its when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dream.

Delightfully chaotic.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones (The Sandman #9)

Its overthinking.

Its he loves me not.

Its being misunderstood.

Its desperate and drowning.

Its the danger of getting so close.

Its high expectations.

the downside of love. but please, stand by my side. love is delightfully chaotic. because you know dang well, we'd go crazy without each other.

What makes us human?

• Anthropologists have looked for cultural evidence to identify and describe human remains and help determine "what makes us human." 
• The ability to behave with humanity  (I certainly am not aware of someone who can fully "behave with humanity" to a full extent)

I am human,

a fragile creature

made of a broken heart

and broken promises

I am human because I can fake a smile

I can force a laugh

because sometimes my anxiety takes over

I have the ability to reason

and a higher degree of self-awareness

because I possess the ability to receive love

Certainly not just rationality

I am human because I embrace every feeling that comes with that phrase

I am not merely a machine

AbleAdaptableAdventurousAffableAffectionateAgreeableAmbitiousAnalyticalAssertiveAstuteAttentiveAware
BalancedBraveBrightBrilliantCalmCapableCaringCautiousCertainCharitableChirpyCompassionateConfidentConsiderateConsistentCooperativeCourageousConscientiousCourteousDecisiveDedicatedDependableDeterminedDevotedDisciplinedDrivenEfficientEgalitarianEmpatheticEnduringEnterprisingEruditeFaithfulFarsightedFlexibleFocusedForgivingFriendlyFrugalGenerousGentleGivingGracefulGratefulHardworkingHarmoniousHelpfulHonestHumbleHumorousIdealisticImaginativeIndependentIndustriousInnovativeInsightfulInspiringInvigoratingJoyfulJustKindLogicalLovingLoyalMatureMethodicalModestMotivatingNobleNurturingObedientOpen-mindedOptimisticOrganizedOutgoingPassionatePatientPerceptivePerseveringPoisedPolitePracticalProfessionalPunctualRealisticReliableResourcefulRespectfulResponsibleSelflessSensitiveSimpleSincereSpontaneousStableStrong-willedTactfulThoughtfulThriftyTolerantTrustworthyUnderstandingUnflappableVisionaryVitalWarmWillingWise


AggressiveApatheticArrogantBelligerentBiasedBoastfulBoorishBossyCallousCarelessCausticComplacentConceitedConnivingControllingCowardlyCurtCynicalDeceitfulDishonestDisrespectfulEgocentricEvilExactingFearfulFinickyFussyGarrulousGlumGreedyGrumpyHarriedHarshHaughtyHostileIgnorantImmatureImpatientInconsiderateIndecisiveInsensitiveInterferingIrresponsibleJealousKilljoyLanguidLazyLaxLonerMaliciousMaterialisticMeanMiserlyMoodyNaiveNarrow-mindedNastyObnoxiousObstinateOutspokenPessimisticPetulantPompousPossessiveQuarrelsomeQuixoticRambunctiousRebelliousResentfulRigidRudeSarcasticScornfulSelfishSpitefulStingyStubbornSuperficialTaciturnThoughtlessTouchyUncouthUngratefulUnreliableUnscrupulousUntidyVainVengefulVulgarWicked

"As the technological world advances", we repeatedly see headlines screaming:

"6 Shocking Way Robots Are Already Becoming Human"

They are becoming war heroes

They are creating art

They have the ability to be altruistic

They can be empathetic

In the pursuit of knowledge, they can outrun us

Robots are self aware

In reality, Is humanity becoming more robotic?

The simplest test for self-awareness is the ability to recognize oneself in a mirror

A robot named Nico passes this before a 14 year old girl lost in her self image

Is society progressively being programmed just like robots?

Humans are continuously  losing jobs  to them, so maybe that's the answer

“... you just can't differentiate between a robot and the very best of humans.”
― Isaac Asimov, I, Robot

I am.

une préface.

I am.

I am a coin of the United States Army. I was minted in the year 1980. I have been punched from sheet metal. I have been stamped and cleaned; my ridges have been rimmed and beveled. Now I have two small holes in me, and am no longer in mint condition. So there’s something else I want to tell you. Right before everything went black, you want to know the very last thing that entered my mind? You. (a dramatic quote from Dear John just for kicks.)

But for real this time. I am Allie Hamilton.  I am a work in progress... and I think I like who I'm becoming.

Allie: Painting.
Noah: What?
Allie: You asked me, what I do for me...
Noah: What now?
Allie: I love to paint.
Noah: Really?
Allie: Mmm-hmm. Most of the time I have all these thoughts bouncin' around in my head... but with a brush in my hand, the world just gets kinda quiet. 

I want to disappear into the intelligent avenues of Boston where auburn leaves and bold American flags line the streets.  I want our eyes to see souls instead of bodies. How very different our ideas of beauty would be.  I want the bad things that happen in my life to transform into the best things that will ever happen to me.  I want to be lost in the right direction.  I want to know the value of a moment before it becomes a memory.  I want to take time to do what makes my soul happy.  I want kids to discover the symbolism of the green light before the teacher tells them.  I want to live for the moments I can't put into words.  But most of all, I want to be happy-it drives people crazy.

Votre ami dévouée, Allie.